Masking is a survival instinct for many neurodivergent people, but it comes with a price. Hiding traits to fit societal norms often leads to burnout, loss of identity, and emotional exhaustion. I experienced all of the above throughout life but didn't realize I had been doing that for 40 years until a tik tok video came into my life. The influencer has ADHD and all of a sudden it all made sense. I wouldn't get formally diagnosed until the end of the following year.
Unmasking after years of doing this can feel overwhelming and even risky. However, reclaiming your authenticity is an indescribable feeling of finally being mostly free to be yourself and it’s essential for long-term well-being. This process involves patience, safe environments, and small, intentional steps that help you reconnect with your true self. It’s time to explore what it means to let go of the mask.
What is Masking?
Masking refers to the learned behavior of suppressing or altering traits, habits, and characteristics that are natural for individuals who are neurodivergent. For example I am rocking back and forth writing this post. I am still trying to find my way without masking but it is tricky. I will catch myself rocking when I am around others and stop but I shouldn't have to and don't have to when I am among certain people thankfully. Masking often serves as a way to navigate social expectations and minimize discrimination or misunderstanding. However, while it might provide short-term social acceptance, the long-term consequences can be significant.
Mechanisms of Masking
Masking involves concealing one’s neurodivergent traits to blend in with neurotypical surroundings. This might be done consciously or unconsciously as a survival strategy. While every person’s experience is unique, here are a few common masking behaviors:
- Mimicking neurotypical body language: Some neurodivergent individuals copy gestures, expressions, and even tones of voice to appear more socially acceptable. For instance, they might practice maintaining eye contact or forcing facial expressions that don’t come naturally. I try to force eye contact thinking I will just get used to it nope absolutely can't do it with most people most of the time.
- Suppressing stimming: Stimming refers to self-soothing repetitive behaviors, such as hand-flapping, fidgeting, or rocking. While these actions help regulate sensory inputs and manage emotions, masking often requires individuals to suppress them in public settings.
- Over-preparing speech or social scripts: Many neurodivergent people rehearse how they will respond in social conversations, sometimes scripting dialogues in advance to avoid awkward moments or judgment. It is utterly exhausting by the end of the event with all the before social engagement prep and trying to survive through it all.
Masking is an adaptive tool, often beginning in early childhood. The intention? To avoid ridicule, exclusion, or even outright discrimination. The need for masking arises because most traditional environments—from schools to workplaces—demand conformity to neurotypical norms. Looking back through my life it is clear that a huge portion of it was spent masking, which is a very sad fact.
The Long-Term Impact of Masking
While masking might seem like a practical solution in day-to-day life, it often exacts a significant physical and emotional toll. Suppressing one’s authentic self repeatedly—day after day—can lead to various negative outcomes, including:
- Increased stress and anxiety: Constantly monitoring and altering behavior requires intense focus and vigilance. Over time, this leads to heightened stress levels, which can spill over into every area of life.
- Identity confusion: Masking pushes individuals to disconnect from their authentic traits and behaviors. This disconnection can make it difficult to answer a simple question: “Who am I, really?”
- Burnout: Autistic burnout is a commonly reported outcome of masking, characterized by deep exhaustion, reduced functionality, and emotional withdrawal. But burnout can happen to anyone. It is one of the more harsh issues I had on my journey to diagnosis.
- Physical symptoms: Beyond mental health, masking can manifest in physical ways, such as chronic fatigue, headaches, or muscle tension due to prolonged stress and emotional suppression. I had frequent panic attacks, rage, dizziness and muscle tension to the point I could barely move for days.
- Diminished self-worth: Continuously hiding aspects of your true self to meet external expectations often instills the idea that your authentic self isn’t acceptable or worthy.
Masking feels necessary in settings that lack inclusivity, but as we learn more, it is increasingly clear that the pressure to mask is unsustainable.
The Process of Unmasking
Unmasking is a deeply personal and transformative journey. It takes effort to peel back the layers of behaviors you may have adopted to navigate a neurotypical world. While it isn’t easy, the reward of living authentically far outweighs the challenges. These are some of the things I did to unmask.
Self-Reflection and Identifying Masked Behaviors
The first step in unmasking is understanding which actions and traits are rooted in masking. Many of these behaviors might feel automatic, yet they serve the goal of fitting into societal norms.
- Observe how you act in different environments. Do you alter the way you speak or sit depending on where you are and who you’re with?
- Notice any physical discomfort. For example, do you suppress stimming or other neurodivergent expressions that feel natural to you?
- Keep a journal or use a notes app to document patterns. Write about what feels forced or draining versus what feels authentic.
Once you’ve begun identifying these patterns, you can better understand what masking looks like in practice.
Challenging Internalized Ableism
Internalized ableism happens when societal biases and stigmas become self-directed. You might feel shame for being different or fear rejection if others see your true self. Especially if you are like me and have had friends/family point things out in front of others like why are you doing that you are going to make it red. This circumstance I am referring to is when out eating and I was rubbing my neck because I was fidgeting and didn't even realize I was doing it.
Here are practical ways to confront and unlearn internalized ableism:
- Practice daily affirmations: Simple statements like “I am worthy exactly as I am” can help counteract negative self-beliefs.
- Educate yourself: Learn about how ableism operates in society. Understanding its roots can help you see that the problem is external, not personal.
- Seek counseling: Therapists experienced in neurodivergence can create a safe space to explore and dismantle these biases and provide strategies and insight for embracing your identity.
Be patient with yourself—challenging these thought patterns is like rewriting a script you’ve been reading from for years.
Rediscovering Authentic Passions and Interests
Unmasking often reveals passions or traits that were buried beneath layers of conformity. Begin reconnecting with the things that make you, well, you.
- Create a list of hobbies and activities you loved before feeling pressured to mask. Did you stop doodling, collecting items, or listening to a certain type of music? I sure did.
- Experiment with small changes. Try one thing from your list or engage in activities that align with your current interests. Over time, let these moments grow into habits.
- Explore environments that celebrate neurodiversity. Spaces that encourage acceptance provide the freedom to rediscover yourself without fear of judgment.
Building a Support System
Unmasking isn’t something you have to do alone. Surrounding yourself with people who celebrate neurodiversity can make all the difference.
- Join neurodivergent communities: Online forums, social media groups, or local organizations can be great sources of encouragement and advice.
- Share your journey with trusted loved ones. Start small—maybe with one or two people—explaining what unmasking means to you and how they can support you.
- Connect with advocacy groups or resources
Building a network provides reinforcement and understanding, helping you feel less isolated as you embrace your true self.
Navigating Social Challenges While Unmasking
Unmasking can feel vulnerable, especially in social settings where reactions may vary. Communicating your needs and addressing pushback are two key aspects of navigating these challenges. These are some actionable ways to handle these scenarios with clarity and confidence.
Communicating Your Needs
Expressing your unmasking journey to friends, family, or colleagues is key to gaining support. Being open about these efforts doesn’t mean oversharing; it means setting boundaries and creating an understanding. Need a starting point for conversations? Here are some ideas:
- When explaining the concept of unmasking: “You might notice I’m less focused on hiding certain aspects of myself, like my body language or how I communicate. It’s a part of my process to feel more authentic.”
- When asking for accommodations: “I’m working on unmasking in environments where I feel safe. It would help if we can [insert request—e.g., lower the noise during meetings, skip eye contact if it’s uncomfortable, or allow pauses in conversations].”
- When describing your boundaries: “I want to be upfront about this change. If things feel different to you, I’m happy to explain my thought process, but I also need others to respect this new part of me.”
Boundaries might involve advocating for your sensory needs, limiting triggering activities, or even asking for some patience during the adjustment period. Many individuals find it helpful to share relatable resources, like articles or podcasts, with loved ones to provide additional context.
The tone you set during these conversations matters. Aim for calm yet assertive communication to ensure your words resonate.
Dealing with Negative Reactions
Unfortunately, not everyone will understand or welcome your decision to unmask, and that’s okay. Preparing for potential discomfort or criticism can help you navigate these situations with grace. Here are practical steps you can follow:
1. Anticipate Resistance
Pushback often comes from misunderstanding or fear of change. You can prepare by:
- Offering clear explanations without too much emotional labor. A simple, “This is a change I’m making for my well-being,” may suffice.
- Knowing your worth: Remember, their discomfort isn’t your responsibility to fix.
2. Build Self-Compassion
Remind yourself that unmasking is a brave and ongoing journey. Some mantras might help: “I’m allowed to reclaim my authentic self,” or “I am not responsible for others’ responses.”
3. Rely on Trusted Allies
Turn to those who support your efforts. They may be friends, family, or online communities dedicated to neurodivergent individuals, offering encouragement during tough moments.
4. Have a Plan for Criticism
Not every response warrants deep discussion. Use phrases to redirect negative comments, like:
- “We can agree to disagree on this; I know what works best for me.”
- “Thank you for your feedback, but I’m focusing on creating a more comfortable space for myself.”
As hard as it is to move past negative receptions, clarity in your intentions can shield you from overanalyzing others’ criticisms. Continue to honor your needs and boundaries, no matter the reactions around you.
The Benefits of Embracing Your Authentic Self
When a neurodivergent person begins the unmasking journey, one of the most radical shifts is embracing authenticity. This process allows you to strip away societal expectations and live as the truest version of yourself. How does this decision positively impact mental health and relationships?
Mental and Emotional Well-Being
Living authentically reduces the constant stress and tension that come with pretending to be someone you’re not. It’s like finally exhaling after holding your breath for too long. The effort required to mask—altering your natural behaviors or suppressing preferences—takes a toll on emotional resilience. Stepping into your true self lightens this invisible burden, often leading to increased happiness and an inner sense of calm.
Additionally, there’s significant data supporting authenticity’s role in combating depression and building resilience. Being genuine lays the foundation for self-acceptance, empowering you to manage challenges without the added burden of pretending. For example, many neurodivergent individuals who have chosen to unmask describe feeling “lighter” and experiencing fewer social burnout episodes. They also regain energy previously spent “performing,” which can now be redirected toward creativity or relaxation. Living authentically isn't just freeing—it's a form of self-care.
Genuine Relationships
When you embrace your true self, you create space for genuine connection. Masking often functions as a protective shield, but it also acts as a barrier between you and others. By unmasking, you allow people to see who you really are, building trust and understanding in your relationships.
Unmasking might shift your social circles, but relationships built on authenticity are more fulfilling and less emotionally taxing. It also it encourages vulnerability, trust, and mutual respect. Imagine connecting with someone who values your quirks and celebrates who you are. This kind of bond redefines support and companionship and helps weed out insincere connections . Instead of feeling drained, these relationships nurture your well-being.
Find your special weirdos out there. Those are the real ones that stay around. I am blessed to have a couple of them. Unmasking can also attract more neurodivergent-affirming friendships. By showing up as your authentic self, you signal openness to others walking similar paths—people who understand and embrace your lived experience. This is my hope in writing these articles to connect with others like me. The risk of unmasking is worth the reward of being wholly, unapologetically you.
So How Has All These Strategies Helped Me?
Well to be honest I am still a work in progress as we all should be right? No one should ever just have every single detail all figured out all the time. Life would be boring if that were the case. I have been met with some resistance or some people didn't know what to do when informing people of my needs but some unexpected bonding as well. I had a friend ghost me during my worst of days but you know what it's ok, they weren't meant to be around for my best of days.
I have boundaries now that I didn't have before. I am trying to practice less people pleasing and saying no when I really don't feel up for interactions. Because realistically even if I am having a rough day, I will still try to hide it from certain people. What is one strategy you will try today?
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Amber
Amber has been neurodivergent her whole life, though she only received her diagnosis after turning 40. Following a challenging relationship and a move to a new city, she finally discovered that her brain's “alternative software” explained the uniqueness she had always experienced. Now hyperfocused on all things neurodiversity (along with crafting, designing, Stranger Things, and other special interests), Amber is building a community for people with misunderstood minds. Her mission is to help fellow neurodivergent individuals navigate this chaotic world that wasn't designed with their operating systems in mind. Through humor, authenticity, and a healthy dose of sarcasm, Amber creates connections where people can laugh about shared experiences that only they understand. She celebrates what others might call “weird” as actually being wonderful, creative, and powerful. By embracing these differences together, she believes neurodivergent individuals can form deeper, more meaningful connections based on genuine understanding and mutual appreciation of their extraordinary minds.
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