Making friends isn't like flipping a switch, especially if your brain is wired a bit differently. Neurodivergent adults often face unique social challenges that can make the idea of reaching out feel like this daunting task that other people seem to be able to do easily. But here’s the thing: wanting friends is perfectly normal, and it's okay if the usual advice doesn’t fit.
Let’s talk about why making friends can be hard, what might help, and why it's absolutely fine to do it your own way.
Understanding Overwhelm: Why Making Friends Can Be Difficult for Neurodivergent Adults
The word “overwhelm” barely scratches the surface for many neurodivergent people. Making friends can stir up everything from panic about small talk to full-body exhaustion after a short get-together. It’s not just shyness. It’s a mix of sensory overload, anxiety, and a history of feeling out of sync with others. When I talk to many neurodivergent people they tell me how introverted they are, and if I am being honest I myself have become more introverted as I get older and am less able to deal with all the challenges that relationships can bring.
Common Social Challenges for Neurodivergent Adults
For many, social rules feel more like unsolvable math problems than regular guidelines. Here are a few challenges that pop up most often:
- Unwritten Rules: Social cues and “normal” behaviors aren’t as obvious. If everyone else seems to speak the same invisible language, it’s easy to feel lost.
- Timing Trouble: Taking turns or knowing when to jump in can feel shaky—like joining a game halfway through with no instruction manual.
- Unspoken Jokes: Sarcasm, idioms, or in-jokes can cause major confusion, and it’s tough to laugh along when you’re not in on it.
- Managing Sensory Overload: Busy environments or too much social interaction may lead to sensory overload. This can feel like trying to have a conversation in a room full of honking horns, ticking clocks, tapping feet, you name it (eww hard pass).
- Emotional Overload: Worrying about saying the wrong thing or being judged piles on the pressure. That leaves you running on empty way before others notice anything is wrong.
There’s real pain behind this, too. Feeling misunderstood, left out, or like a stranger at a party in your own life often triggers feelings of isolation. No wonder even the thought of making friends can sting. I can't tell you how many times I have tried to talk in groups of people and no one is paying attention so I go quiet because it feels like what I have to say doesn't matter. That really hurts.
How Social Norms and Expectations Create Barriers
“Just be yourself!” Easy to say, but not so simple to do when the world expects you to fit a mold. Social norms, like how long to make eye contact or when to shake hands, can feel baffling. People may expect “typical” behavior, and when you don’t quite match their script, things get awkward fast.
This double standard—being told to be authentic, but also being nudged to blend in—can drain your energy and make you want to hide.
Building Lasting Friendships Without Burnout: Strategies and Tips
It’s possible to build deep, meaningful friendships while respecting your own needs and energy. The secret is to play by your rules and find connection in ways that actually feel good.
Finding Like-Minded People and Safe Spaces
There’s no rule saying friends must come from work or school. Sometimes, it’s easier and more fun to meet people who get you.
- Special Interest Groups: Whether you love board games, coding, art, or dogs, there’s usually a club or online group out there. Sharing interests keeps the focus off small talk.
- Online Communities: Reddit, Discord, Facebook groups, or forums can be goldmines for people looking for connection without face-to-face anxiety. I also have my own neurodiversity facebook group where I share real life experiences with some humor, facts and actionable advice.
- Inclusive Environments: Look for events run by neurodivergent people or explicitly welcoming of all brain types—the air just feels lighter. I am an LGBTQ ally and go to events where I find people thriving and living their best life. It's inspirational and the people are so welcoming.
When you’re around others with similar experiences, you don’t need to spend energy pretending.
Setting Boundaries and Respecting Energy Levels
Think of your social energy like a battery. Some things charge you up, others drain you quickly. Here’s how to guard your power:
- Say No Without Guilt: If you don’t want to do something or can’t handle a plan, it’s okay to skip it. Don't just go due to FOMO (been there done that)
- Set Time Limits: Don’t feel bad about leaving early or joining an event for just 20 minutes. I recently left an event halfway through due to the overwhelm and loud music.
- Be Upfront: Telling friends, “I get tired from social stuff, so I might disappear sometimes” saves explanations later. I have been doing this a lot lately.
- Plan Downtime: Schedule alone time after social hangs so you can recharge.
Learning to protect your time is very smart and not selfish. If anyone makes you feel like that, then they are not your people.
Easing Social Pressure: Scripts, Routines, and Gentle Engagements
If making friends feels like being thrown on stage with no lines, having a script helps. Scripts are guides that keep you steady. When I am heading to an event where I know some people, I often play out some scripts in my head to have handy to help me navigate the situation better.
- Prepare Go-To Phrases: Have a few conversation starters ready, like “What brings you here?” or “Have you read any good books lately?”
- Create Routines: Meet up at the same place and time each week, or stick to favorite spots where you feel comfortable. I get really anxious when going to new places so I will often visit or drive by so I am more familiar and less anxious about the situation.
- Start Small: Begin with short, low-pressure chats—a text, a comment online, or a brief call. Gradually build from there.
Navigating Misunderstandings and Building Communication Skills
Sometimes conversations will go sideways. That’s not the end of the world. What matters is how you handle it.
- Clarify as Needed: If something’s confusing, just ask. “Sorry, I’m not sure what you meant—can you say it differently?” Most people like being understood.
- Advocate for Yourself: If a friend oversteps a boundary, it’s fine to speak up. Try, “I like hanging out, but sometimes I need a break.”
- Focus on Honesty: Being up front (as much as you’re comfortable) takes the guesswork out for everyone.
- Practice, Don’t Perfect: Socializing is a skill. Everyone messes up; every misstep is a learning moment, not a disaster.
Communication isn’t always flawless (ok never is for me) but it can still build connection and trust. For example I have a round belly and suffer from bloating due to IBS. I was at a Zumba class and a girl came up to me and said “look at you out here killing it” and was referencing my belly.
I put together she thought I was pregnant and I most certainly wasn't. She was mortified, and two strangers had a good laugh and went on to become good friends and had quite a few shenanigans in that Zumba class. We invented some of our own routines (side quests lol) Some of them caught on with the class and we came in together once to the entire class doing a routine like we did. Sometimes something imperfect becomes the perfect thing you needed.
You’re not broken, and you’re not alone. Friendship is possible, on your terms, at your pace. Your friendships don’t have to look like anyone else’s. Even one person who truly gets you can make the world feel less lonely. That’s more than enough.
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